PTSD Healing Resolution #1: Defining What We Want, Part Two

Well, were you surprised by all the things you desire about PTSD? Funny, isn’t it, how you can feel emotionally flatlined, but when given a chance to let some emotion bubble up you actually have a lot to say? I was surprised by this myself. When I received my PTSD diagnosis and finally began to understand what had been wrong with me all those years; when things finally began to make sense and I could target what I wanted to change about my life, I began to feel separate from PTSD. Whereas I’d been living as its captor, I suddenly began to feel it more as a condition and less of who I truly was. This little bit of space between us allowed me to see PTSD in its individual components the way we might see any competitor – and so I began thinking of it as such, and about why I wanted to beat it and from there, what I would do so that would be so and all of this want and why brought out a slow trickle of manageable emotions like a small army to support my quest for healing.

I’ve talked about desire before - as in, the desire to be well and the importance of our participation in that. Today though, I’m going to continue evolving that term (because the nuances of words, like we do, also change over time): I want to deepen this idea of desire to apply to what drives us every day outside of PTSD. In fact, today I want to forget about PTSD entirely. I don’t care about it. It’s not important. In constructing a post-trauma identity - which is the whole point of the BRIDGE THE GAP healing process - PTSD takes a backseat to YOU.

Beneath the PTSD symptoms, the real, untraumatized you has desires. You’re wrong if you think he or she doesn’t. The roar of PTSD is just so much louder than the voice of your inner self that if you don’t make the effort to listen you don’t get to hear the real you. When you wrote out your list of PTSD desires you began to listen to and woo your real voice. Let’s keep that up. PTSD plunges us into a deep internal silence. Part of healing is learning to make some noise.

I’ll give you a short example: Deep in PTSD, I graduated college and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have and couldn’t sustain any single motivation, desire or focus. I bounced around to a different job pretty much every year for 15 years. After I began trauma therapy (but before my PTSD diagnosis), the symptoms lessened enough for me to be a little more focused. I decided to take some time off from career hopping to investigate what I really wanted to do. It took six months of waiting for my inner voice to speak up and speak clearly, but when the answer came, I listened to it. I have been a writer since I was seven years old. The voice wanted to go back to school for an MFA in Poetry. And what did the voice want to do after that? It didn’t know, but I listened to it. I went back to school, and it’s amazing: when we do what we really want things begin to fall into place. Going back to school led me to fall into a teaching job, which led me into a university teaching career that I stuck with for four whole years before I moved out of New York City.

Desire to heal is strengthened by our desire to do something – what is that for you? Here’s your BRIDGE THE GAP exercise for today:

Get out that pen and paper again. At the top of the page write, ‘What I really want to do is…’ This can be career, family, lifestyle, sport --- anything.

For example:

I want to learn to kite surf.
I want to travel to the Galapagos Islands.
I want to take a cooking class.
I want to try golf.
I want to see the sunrise.
I want to become a third degree black belt.

Don’t try to think big or small, just think. Sit still and let that inner voice work its way up through your center until the words come out. What do you want? What have you always wanted but been afraid to try? What have you recently realized you desire in your life? I want, I want, I want… When was the last time your gave yourself permission to use those words? Life is about experiences. What experiences do you wish for?

Set a timer for 5 minutes and write everything that comes to mind. Don't worry about or check spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. Do not edit your thoughts for brilliance or stupidity. Remember, there is no right or wrong here; there is only your voice on the page. When the 5 minutes is up, take a highlighter and read through what you’ve written; highlight the desires that seem most important. This can be all or just a few.

Now, put those individually highlighted things into a list so you can easily see them. Set the timer again and take the first thing on the list; finish this sentence: ‘I want to _____ because….’ If you finish before the timer goes off, keep writing about anything that comes to mind. It can be what to buy at the grocery store or what CD albums you want to buy. The important thing is to keep writing. As you do, new thoughts about the original sentence will come to you. When they do, allow yourself to switch topics in mid-stream and get back to the original question.

When the 5 minutes is up set the timer again, take the next item on your desire list and repeat the process. You don’t have to do this all in one sitting. This can be done over a series of days. The point is to continue with this exercise until you’ve written about each thing so thoroughly you know exactly why you want what you want.

When you’ve completed this task, sit back, congratulate yourself and treat yourself to a reward. Go buy one of those CD albums. Forget about the groceries; take yourself out for a meal. It’s time to celebrate! You’ve just begun the inner dialogue that’s going to lay the foundation for your entire post-trauma identity.

(photo: Oh My Rachael)

Bad News for PTSDers

Oh, yes, very bad news indeed. I’ve been conducting a rather informal poll in all of the PTSD forums and groups in which I participate and with all of the practitioners with whom I'm friends, and hands down, from those others who have achieved healing (because it is possible), the answers are all coming back with the unfortunate fact that regardless of the various therapeutic components, HEALING BEGINS WITH US. It is not bestowed upon us and it is not doled out to the most deserving souls. Healing is won, fought, struggled for, demanded, coaxed, wooed, summoned, begged, prayed and hoped for – and then rained down upon those who want it most.

It begs the question this morning, How badly do you want it?? For a long time I would have said that I did (and I sort of, halfheatedly, would have meant it), but it wasn’t true. I didn’t really feel a burning desire for wellness. I wanted relief from the pain, but I didn’t really care if I was PTSD-free. Largely this was because I didn’t even know I had PTSD. And also, because in the state of my mind at that time, I really didn’t believe I could feel completely better.

But what I’m discovering from all of these other sources is that I’m not so unique (as much as my ego hates to admit this) – none of us are. I am not the only one who is healed, and I am not the only one who believes healing must have a source within. The cat’s out of the bag, my friends. There are other PTSD soldiers who have come off the battlefield knowing it’s their own strength that got them there.

So there’s the secret, underpublicized fact about healing. You can’t solely purchase it through therapy or medication. We can talk about our traumas forever. We can wail about the unfairness of it all. We can demand validation, remuneration, and exaltation for our suffering. We can cry for someone to do something to deliver us from all this pain (and for a time we should, we absolutely should!!). We can pop a mixed cocktail of pills, but in the end no one and no thing can provide the final relief if we don’t do something first. Before there can be the ultimate healing, we must develop desire. A burning desire to be well is the first step toward finding freedom. Desire is our battered soul striving toward the light of a joyful day. It is the powerful strength that fuels our progress toward the ultimate PTSD liberation.

Do you feel that desire? Today you must consider this question.

Sit very still. Listen for that small voice that says, I do! If you don’t hear it, sit still longer. Listen harder. Speak to it and don’t move until it answers. Ask yourself, Do I like the way I feel? If there is no answer, or if the answer is (gasp!), Yes… then go back and read my October 27 post, ‘Are You Ready to Let Go of Your Trauma/PTSD Identity?’

Consider whether or not you feel that burning desire to be well. If you do, decide what you can do to give it breath. What action can you take to honor, develop, support and entertain it?

If you don’t feel that desire, then spend a long time taking a good look at yourself in the mirror and demanding to know why it is that you do not want to be well, healthy, joyful, happy and free. What is PTSD giving you that you don’t want to let go? How are you benefitting from it? How good is it making your life? How much is it enhancing your experience on earth?

If you can really come up with some good answers to this - ones that have true, substantial merit - please email me! I would love to hear them.

If you cannot honestly say that PTSD is making your life so much better than it could be without it, then you need to take stock and decide: Am I going to live this way forever? Am I going to let the trauma win? Am I going to remain a prisoner of experience? Or am I a hero? Am I, by myself and/or with the help of others, going to pull myself up out of this rotten, dark hole and get out into the light? Am I going to wallow in this post-trauma trauma forever, or can I today begin to define a new way of living? What one thing can I do today toward a new, PTSD-free self?

In order to heal we must ACT. Thought follows behavior; emotion follows thought. We must act in a way that fosters the right thoughts to foster more positive emotions to foster courage that fosters healing. It’s a simple equation. And it’s not that tough to do. I do it through the pursuit of joy, which I find in dance (See the posts labeled ‘Dance’.), but there are other ways. Find your way.

What can you do today? What one action can you take to honor and develop, support and maintain your desire to be healed, your wish to escape PTSD?

Go do it! And report back, you soldiers of freedom!

PTSD Healing Resolution #1: Defining What We Want, Part Three

The desire to be well is fueled by the desire to be free, which grows when there are reasons to be free. When we recognize there are things we could do if it weren’t for the fact that PTSD is getting in our way, then suddenly we have a choice: In the immortal words of Shakespeare's Hamlet, ‘To be or not to be PTSD-free.’

Our goal this week has been a 3-tiered process to set ourselves on the ‘to be’ path toward freedom:

1. Seeing what we desire to be rid of helps us focus on what we don’t want, which helps motivate change.

2. It’s also good to take a look at what we do desire. Becoming aware of what we want helps us recognize that we have a self who thinks of other things besides coping.

3. Today it’s time to turn the focus on that self. Who is it? To put it in Shakespearean terms again: ‘To be or not to be….. whom?”

Letting go of PTSD can be uncomfortable and scary. I mean, after all, by now PTSD has become a second self, an outer shell that keeps you safe. But you can’t be free if you don’t let go of that self. You’ve put on a costume and now the party’s over. It’s time to take it off.

Knowing what you want to change about yourself, and knowing what you want to do if you did make that change, leaves you only with one last component: knowing who you would like to be when your PTSD self steps aside.

Get out that paper and pen again. (You might want to consider investing in a notebook so you can keep all of your BRIDGE THE GAP work in one place.)

The purpose of the exercise today is to begin defining who you want to be without PTSD. At the top of a piece of paper write 'I want to be ….' Fill in the blank. You have free reign to choose anything! Think of yourself in all aspects, including professional and personal realms. Consider who you are in relation to friends, lovers, family, colleagues and of course: yourself.

For example,

I want to be an empathetic doctor.
I want to be more compassionate.
I want to be someone other people come to for advice.
I want to be more involved in my children’s lives.
I want to be a more caring partner.

[There’s a whole You to map out here, so take your time. You might want to break this exercise into categories. Go through the writing steps once just focusing on ‘family’ (‘I want to be a family member who….’, again just focusing on ‘friends’ (‘I want to be a friend who….’); focusing on work (‘I want to be a colleague who…’); on ‘lovers’ (‘I want to be a partner who…’); focusing on yourself (‘I want to be someone who….’).]

You know the drill by now:

Don’t try to think big or small, just think about the unended sentence at the top of the page. Sit still and let that inner voice work its way up through your center until the words come out. Who do you want to be? Who have you always wanted to be but been afraid to become? Who would you choose to be if PTSD wasn’t holding you back?

Set a timer for 5 minutes and write everything that comes to mind. Don't worry about or check spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. Do not edit your thoughts for brilliance or stupidity. Remember, there is no right or wrong here; there is only your voice on the page. When the 5 minutes is up, take a highlighter and read through what you’ve written; highlight the qualities that seem most important. This can be all or just a few.

Now, put those individually highlighted things into a Desire List so you can easily see them. Set the timer again – this time for 2 minutes – and take the first thing on the list; finish this sentence: ‘I want to be _____ because….’ If you finish before the timer goes off, keep writing about anything that comes to mind. The important thing is to keep writing. As you do, new thoughts about the original sentence will come to you. When they do, allow yourself to switch topics in mid-stream and get back to the original question.

When the 2 minutes is up set the timer again, take the next item on your Desire List and repeat the process. You don’t have to do this all in one sitting. This can be done over a series of days. The point is to continue with this exercise until you’ve written about each thing so thoroughly you know exactly why you want what you want.

Coping with PTSD can leave us very confused, and with little time to think about the type of person we want to emulate, the type of persona we want to present to the world; the type of individual we would most value, respect and be excited by becoming. That journey begins today. Who would you like to be a year from now? Imagine that person in Technicolor – notice the details of the face, the clothes, the career, the family, friends and lovers. Imagine PTSD falling away and the real you stepping out onto the stage.

I leave you with the full Shakespeare quote from Hamlet, in which the title character considers what to do in the wake of his own traumas (the highlight is mine):

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?


(photo: Tabi Kat)

Phases of Healing PTSD, Part 1: Desire & Commitment

When you attempt to do anything, or learn something new, there's usually a plan. You have an idea of where to begin and what steps you'll need to take to follow through. You appreciate and accept there'll be a process, a learning curve, a period of time to develop the situation or new skill. You know you'll be out of your element sometimes, and out of your depth. Because you desire the outcome of this situation or the development of this skill you don't mind these things, you know they come with the territory.

I think we have to approach PTSD healing like that, too. We have to really desire it, and we have to know that there will be phases of it. I’ve been thinking more about the similarities between learning to dance and PTSD. Actually, the processes (and you could substitute learning any activity here) have similar phases. When I started writing about this topic I realized I have a lot to say; this is going to take more than one day...

So, here it is today, the first 3 things on the list of Michele's 6-Phase Outline of PTSD Healing:

Phase #1: Discovering the Desire – All of a sudden there comes a day you discover you really, really want to do this thing. In regard to dancing, this night caught me by surprise. I was miserable, deep into a dark and shaky PTSD depression – and then I found myself on a dance floor full of joy and I was shocked it was possible to feel that way. I decided I wanted to feel that way more often; I decided to make dancing a weekly event.

Likewise, the idea to heal my PTSD came out of the blue. I had just moved from Manhattan to South FL and was really enjoying the beach and the idea that just crossing state lines could eradicate memories of my trauma (OK, so I was naïve!) when I read THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING, by Joan Didion. This simple memoir of a woman’s struggle with grief inspired me: through a series of chapters that alternated between a research oriented approach and an exploration of her grief-inducing memories, she made a peace with it all. I thought, Maybe I could do that... So, I started researching my trauma, and then PTSD, and then I started writing it all out, as if it could be transferred and then contained by 8 ½ x 11 inch margins. I developed a plan; I saw an end goal.

Phase #2: Finding the Way – I had no idea how or where to learn dance. I showed up at a dance studio near my house and just dove in without a clue.

I did pretty much the same thing about learning about my trauma and PTSD. I didn’t know much about either. I dove into the research and a whole world of understanding opened up. When we have the desire we find the way. The path shows itself to us when we begin to imagine the path exists.

Phase #3: Committing to the Path – My first dance lesson was a huge revelation. While I’ve always been an avid and comfortable freestyle dancer, partner dancing is something else entirely. I wasn’t used to following a lead. I wasn’t used to being hemmed in in my physical expression. I wasn’t used to having to coordinate my body and mind (which PTSD made very, very difficult). I wasn’t used to being held in the arms of a stranger. I could go on and on. There were many things about learning to partner dance that made me uncomfortable and pushed me beyond that zone in which we live where all things are reliable and known. But I wanted to learn, so I pushed those things to the side and barreled ahead.

I did the same thing with my trauma and PTSD research. It was horrible to read about the facts of my illness and disturbing to read about PTSD. But I had the idea that demystifying it all would allow it to become something of which I was no longer so afraid. Despite the discomfort I pressed on.

Healing PTSD, Resolution #1: Defining What We Want, Part One

So, now that your face is warmed up and you’ve spent some time forging the first small attempt to physically reconnect with your untraumatized self, let’s talk about the crux of who that self is.

It is not possible to survive trauma and remain unchanged – we all know that. But the truth is, we’re all changing all the time anyway. Trauma just makes us notice it in a bigger, more calamitous way. But think back for a minute. Are you exactly the same person you were at age 5? Age 25? Age (fill in the appropriate number)? The answer is, NO. We are always evolving in subtle ways, sometimes so imperceptibly we don’t even notice, but the truth is, while there is a core self, there’s also an evolutionary self. Our inner life is sort of like the solar system: there’s a constant sun, and then planets that revolve around it. In PTSD our solar system has been swallowed by a Black Hole, but somewhere in another galaxy the sun still exists and our goal is to get back into orbit around it.

Deepak Chopra explains it this way:

“I” never goes. Only “I am this or that” goes. Ultimately, enlightenment is for you to always be grounded in "I," but the limited, "I am this or that," goes.

You had a sense of "I" when you were a baby. You had a sense of "I" when you were a teenager. You have a sense of "I" now. You'll have a sense of "I" when you are an old person. But, in each of these cases that sense of "I" will be identifying itself with a different person. The baby's not the person you're in now. You have a different body, different ego, different personality, different thoughts, and a different way of looking at the world.

The problem with trauma is the shock. Rather than changing gradually from a child to a teen, we change in an instant from powerful to powerless. Over the course of any trauma, lasting one day or over several years, we can all think of at least one moment in which we felt ourselves violated and so immediately altered for the worse.

But we are mutable beings, with free will – we do not have to remain stuck in this altered, sad, horrible state. We can choose to alter again, this time for the better. The question is, How? While the answer and the path vary for each of us, the core for all of us is the same:

In order to revamp ourselves, we need to get back to basics, to know ourselves again. But not our traumatized selves. We know those all too well! Instead, we need to pull aside the curtain of PTSD and see who’s huddling behind there. What is his or her desire? Knowing who we are has a lot to do with knowing what we want. Which has a lot to do with healing and moving on to live a joyful, productive life.

Desire is defined as:

To want strongly; the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state; hope: expect and wish; an inclination; a natural state of longing.

You have those feelings over a lot of things. This week, as part of the BRIDGE THE GAP healing process we’re going to focus on reclaiming your desire.

First, we turn our attention to what those desires are in the PTSD state.

Today, let’s flex your desire muscle by getting a clear picture of all of the PTSD desires you have. We all walk around with this summary wish: I want not to feel this way. But let’s flesh that out a little.

Make a list of what you want that is PTSD related. For example:

I want the past to let me go.
I want the nightmares to stop.
I want the flashbacks to end.
I want to sleep through the night.
I want to not be so anxious.

I know I haven’t tapped out your daily PTSD-related desires. Add 10 more ‘wants’ to this list. And then keep going! I used to teach creativity and writing. One of my favorite exercises with my students was to give them a prompt and a time limit and then let them just free flow their ideas. The first things that come out are at the top of your consciousness, but the really interesting things surface when you’ve tapped the easy stuff and then keep on going.

When you have some time today, sit down with paper and pen. At the top of the page write, ‘PTSD things I want to be rid of’. Then set a timer for 5 minutes and write all of the PTSD symptoms and experiences and thoughts you want to end, be rid of and eliminate. Don't worry about or check spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. Do not edit your thoughts for brilliance or stupidity. There is no right or wrong here; there is only your voice on the page.

When the 5 minutes is up, take a highlighter and read through what you’ve written; highlight the desires that seem most important. This can be all or just a few.

Now, set the timer again and finish this sentence: ‘I want to be rid of these things because….’

It’s not only important to know what we want, but why we want it. Understanding ourselves deepens and supports our intentions, which helps us focus so they can be achieved.

We spend so much time silently suffering, suppressing our desires, tamping down our personalities just so we can cope. Today, let your personality stretch itself a little, give it some exercise. Freeing ourselves from PTSD means freeing ourselves from everything about it. Give those suppressions a voice. I can hear them; they’re calling you.

(photo: tyla’75)

Phases of Healing PTSD, Part 5: The Power of Intention

One more thought in this healing PTSD series. In order to learn any new skill – in order do anything, to achieve anything – we start with an intention. We want something, we have the desire for it and commit to having, getting, finding that thing which we desire.

Healing PTSD follows the same path. My challenge to you today is to rate your intention. Is it strong or weak, wild or mild?

In my own history, there were many years I actively sought relief from the symptoms, but I had no specific healing intention. Or rather, my intention was for someone else to heal me, some doctor, therapist, practitioner – whoever! – it was up to them to make me well. I had nothing to do with it. I presented myself in their offices and let them do their thing. Needless to say, my healing was minimal and my journey long.

However, when I finally determined that I WOULD BE HEALED – well then, everything changed. Within a year I made incredible progress and was living a much better life. I am not unique. You can do this, too. My healing did not begin until I actually took on the intention myself. Have you?

Recently I wrote an article for MilitaryWriters.com. In 'Ideas for Healing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder' I make the point that the crux of healing is what we do for ourselves. Which means, intention is everything.

This weekend, think about how strong your intention is to be well. On a score of 1 to 10 (10 being the strongest) would you say that your intention to heal is Wild or Mild? If it’s wild – meaning you will do whatever it takes to be well, including facing your fears and traumas, learning your truths, reclaiming your self – then you’re ready to achieve wellness and following a proactive path will lead you there.

But if you rate lower than, say, a 10 on the scale of healing intention, you’ve got some work to do! Before you can be well you must WANT to be well with all the power of your bruised and battered soul. You, my friends, must ask yourself why you don’t rate a 10 on the intention scale. What is holding you back? I had a list of a few things that got in my way. If they resonate with you let me know. And then - begin to move beyond them! The biggest hurdle in any achievement is recognizing what’s holding us back. Once we remove those obstacles (by recognizing and then letting them go) we are ready to move forward on our intentions.

For a little inspiration let’s turn to the father of the power of intention, Wayne Dyer. This video should get you fired up. In it, Dyer defines intention as “no matter what gets in the way I intend to make [this] happen”. Sounds like just the attitude we need to heal! Dyer references intention as a pitbull with a tire. I like that image. We have to have that kind of tenacity to heal PTSD. This post-trauma disorder is as strong, durable and flexible as a tire. WE have to be as ruthless, relentless and ­­­­­­­­­­­robust as a pitbull in order to flay this thing to pieces.

I drained my bank account and my emotional reserves chasing cures before I focused my intention. There’s no need for us all to keep making the same mistakes. Today, turn your thoughts toward clearly focusing your intention on healing PTSD. In his video, Dyer says, “You are able to heal yourself.” That’s a powerful statement. It should give us all much hope, but also, much guidance on our path to wellness.

We need to develop a powerful, fiery healing circle of intention both without and within. Dyer says intention is something we connect to. Well then, today’s the day for you to reach out and connect to a source that’s just there, in the air, an energy hovering near you, waiting for you to reach out and connect to it.

Watch this Dyer video. You may not have time to view it in its entirety today, but if you only watch the first 10 minutes it will give you plenty to think about for the rest of the weekend.

And then, as the Nike slogan goes, Just do it. Focus your intention. Take all of the angst and pain and sadness and anger and desperation and funnel it into this one, simple intention. Create that burning desire to heal. Decide nothing can stop you. Your mantra for the rest of the weekend and in all the upcoming days should be, I want to be healed. I want to be healed! Come on, let me hear you chant a few times.

Healing is within our reach, but we do have to stretch for it. Begin today. A new year is approaching. If you have the desire, 2009 can be your year to become PTSD-free.

Good News for PTSDers

So… Yesterday did you find some one act to affirm your desire to be well? I’m thinking about you. I’m hoping you’re at least thinking about doing something that can facilitate a positive attitude toward wellness.

Even though I’m healed, I still reinforce this attitude on a weekly basis. I’ll give you an example: John and I dance 3 – 4 nights a week. It’s part of my joy habit. It’s part of my commitment to being well. The upcoming weekend looks like this:

Friday night: La Fonda in West Palm Beach; a delicious Cuban restaurant that turns into a latin nightclub after 10pm with the best music mix of salsa, bachata, merengue, valenato, cumbia and tropicale.

Saturday afternoon: Salsa Fest! An all day outdoor salsa party with such greats as Victor Rojas and Eddy Herrera; an event that combines my love of dance with my love of community events that bring together so many different people for one shared passion.

Saturday evening: Milonga (Argentine tango dance party) in Deerfield Beach. Our favorite Argentine tango instructors are teaching a class and then hosting a party until the wee hours of the following morning.

Sunday: We’ll drive down to Pompano to dance in a 10,000 square foot ballroom; 5 – 8pm is all latin, 8 – 11 is all ballroom. What a spectacular 6 hours!

OK, maybe dance is not your thing. And maybe you don’t have that much time to devote to joy. That’s just fine. It isn’t the activity or amount of time spent, it’s the quality of joy you derive. You can do something for an hour a week and that will be enough to remind you that joy exists. You can do something for ½ an hour and that will be enough to ignite the desire for more. The main purpose here is threefold:

1) to remind you that you can feel joy (I know, I know, it doesn’t seem possible, but just try it. You’ll be surprised how possible it is).

2) to begin developing a habit of joy that increases your positive attitude, which will in turn support your PTSD healing.

3) to ignite that spark - that I want to LIVE! spirit – that DESIRE to be well that is the crux of PTSD healing.

Don’t tell me it can’t be done. I know it can because I have done it. It was tough. It seemed like an idiotic, insurmountable, useless task I put before myself --- until it worked.

And don't tell me I was not as badly PTSD as you, because I was at least as bad as you, if not worse. Don’t be fooled by my positive attitude. For 25 years I was (to put it bluntly) a mentally and physically dysfunctional mess. And then I decided to do the work.

I’m asking you, I’m begging you, for the sake of your own happiness – DO THE WORK. Make the commitment. We can get there together.

Wouldn't it be great to be part of a community of healed PTSD experiencers instead of a group of PTSD acceptors? I think it would. Let's shoot for that.

PTSD Healing Resolution #1: The Top 2 Things You Need to Heal

So, here we are in 2009; the beginning of a year when our desire to heal and our deliberate participation in our own PTSD healing is going to move us closer to relief.

Let’s get to it. Resolution #1 on our list of Healing PTSD Resolutions: I will create a powerful healing intention.

When we embark on the road to healing PTSD there are two most important elements we need with us to create a powerful healing intention:

#1 – belief in ourselves

#2 – belief in our ability to heal

These two things combined and focused create the compelling intention, I will use my internal power to heal my PTSD.

Do you feel a deep belief in these two areas? If not, it’s time to focus on shoring them up. They will be the crux of how and when you achieve healing.

As in everything about PTSD healing, these two elements are ones we have to manufacture ourselves. We must have a deep, unswerving belief in what we want to achieve. We must put the desire to be PTSD-free, to live fully without the stain of experience, back into our daily thoughts.
Two years ago my mother gave me a book entitled, THE LAW OF ATTRACTION, by Esther and Jerry Hicks. First of all let me just say, I’m not a woo-woo kind of person. I was skeptical of the book, but my mother’s not a frivolous person and she did so much over the years to cheerlead and champion my PTSD healing. So, in the spirit of her intention I opened the book – and nearly closed it when the first 30 pages of introduction just seemed a little too far out of the cosmos for me.

But then I got to the first chapter called, ‘An Introduction to Being Well-Being,’ and I thought, All right… I like that. I want to be well. So, I kept reading and was swept up in the book when I came upon two Laws that actually seemed useful:

Eternal Universal Law #1 is: Law of Attraction: That which is unto itself, is drawn. “Because the Law of Attraction is responding to the thoughts that you hold at all times, it is accurate to say that you are creating your own reality.” (Italics those of the authors.)

We bring to ourselves what we think about. In order to bring healing we must, in every moment, think about and believe it its possibility, truth and achievement. Everything we do, say, think, desire must support the belief in our ability to achieve wellness.

Eternal Universal Law #2 is: Science of Deliberate Creation: That which I give thought to and that which I believe or expect – is. "When you understand the power of thought and practice your deliberate offering of it, you will discover the powerful leverage (in creating) that only comes from desiring…. When you … positively anticipate with your thoughts, the amount of action required is far less, and the action is much more satisfying. If you do not take the time to align your thoughts, far more action is required, without the satisfying results."

The power of our intentions can reap results. The more we imagine ourselves being healed and use all of our thoughts toward that goal, the more quickly that becomes our reality, and the more easily we will achieve it.

When I finished the book I was inspired by the ideas, but I didn’t know what to do with them. So, life went on and I didn’t think about the book at all as other things replaced it in my intention. But not long afterward I really dropped everything in my life that did not support, enhance or encourage my PTSD healing. My sole focus became proactively developing a mindset and experiences for healing. Within six months I was PTSD-free. Coincidence? Maybe. I’d already done a lot of work in trauma therapy and in my personal quest to construct a post-trauma identity, so I was primed for the last steps of healing. But maybe those two laws burrowed their way into my subconscious and were noodling around in there, giving added support to my own pursuit of joy which was, in its primitive state, my version of combining laws 1 and 2.

Think about the two Universal Laws today. How can you incorporate them into your own thoughts? Here’s an inspirational video to get you going. For the rest of the day take your own pulse: measure the depth of your belief in yourself and your ability to heal. The next two BRIDGE THE GAP posts will explore how to strengthen these beliefs.

We have the power to transform our lives – no matter what has traumatized and transformed us. That power is available to us today and every day. We must only choose to use it.

(photo: Loving Earth)

PTSD Healing: Attitude Adjustment

It's been a busy week! As we come close to the end of our focus on education about PTSD healing we covered Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Emotional Freedom Technique and Thought Field Therapy, plus the idea of surrounding ourselves with the right people while we heal. This is good, meaty stuff to keep our journeys moving forward.

Now, it's time for a rest. 'PTSD in the News' is temporarily suspended today due to the fact that it's my last day of vacation and I'm spending the day on the lake on a pontoon boat with a bunch of survivor friends in various stages of healing.

Sometimes, we just have to take a break from our journeys and go find something to enjoy for a change; to get outside of ourselves and our circumstances and remember what it's like to just live!

One of the women here with us has MS and I've been really inspired this week by the way she persists in going and doing and not missing a moment or experience despite her daily struggles.

In the spirit of transcendence and getting out of our heads, the 'Getting Needs' exercise below was sent to me by a blog reader. I like the way it encourages our imagination and guides us into the realm of possibility -- such an important thought process to develop, practice and believe in. Enjoy the visualization and the sense of peace. If you hear a splash, that'll be me diving in to the cool lake waters.

Picture yourself walking through a meadow. There is a path opening before you.

As you walk, you feel hungry. Look to your left. There’s a fruit tree in full bloom. Pick
what you need.

Steps later, you notice you’re thirsty. On your right, there’s a fresh water spring.

When you are tired, a resting place emerges.

When you are lonely, a friend appears to walk with you.

When you get lost, a teacher with a map appears.

Before long, you notice the flow: need and supply; desire and fulfillment. A series of thoughts dawn on you:

Maybe Someone gave me the need because Someone planned to fulfill it.

Maybe I had to feel the need, so I would notice and accept the gift.

Maybe closing my eyes to the desire closes my arms to its fulfillment.

Demand and supply, desire and fulfillment – a continuous cycle, unless we break it.

All the necessary supplies have already been planned and provided for my journey.

Today, everything I need shall be supplied to me.

Tomorrow everything you want will be waiting for you to decide to claim it.

(Photo: Old Shoe Woman)

Meandering Michele's Mind: I Want It NOW!!

I’m overwhelmed. I’m running so fast I can barely breathe – and not for the same reasons I used to feel this way.

Years ago I ran and ran and ran trying to escape the past – I was miserable, depressed, and struggling with the mother of all PTSD experiences.

Then I ran and ran and ran trying to catch up with the present – I was hopeful, determined and obsessed with healing.

Now I’m running to try to warp-speed myself into the future – I’m excited, healthy and inspired to live the way I would have been if trauma hadn’t gotten in the way.

I’m not exactly a model of the Zen mindset. When I get an idea about something, I want it to happen immediately. But life – and healing – are not like this. Developing the world we want, creating the circumstances, recovering from experience, and redefining ourselves all take time.

It’s become clear I need to develop some patience and a new approach to achieving my desires. This past weekend at the end of an extremely hectic week (while I try to juggle my day job, launch Heal My PTSD, LLC, visit with family, catch up with friends, play with my puppy, dance and spend time with John) I came to the conclusion things cannot go on at the speed they are. I had to reassess my goals, reprioritize their importance, and restrategize how to accomplish what I want in a sane, practical and healthy way.

You could say I’ve been practicing a little Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Yes, that trusty technique PTSDers learn to manage and cope with PTSD symptoms and effects has lifelong benefits. Look at that, something positive I learned from PTSD.

And so here I am now, into a new week with a new attitude. I took one of my goals for this year – and pushed it into next year. There’s time for everything I want to do. After my trauma I felt the need to do everything all at once because I lived with that survivor anxiety that you never know when another trauma will strike. You have to make the most and get the most out of every day because tomorrow... No wonder I could barely breathe! This is a crazy way to live.

I accepted the fact that the more I stress myself to do everything NOW the less I’ll be able to do anything well. After my PTSD diagnosis my obsessed desire to be well – and the inevitable twists and turns in the healing process – brought me to my knees more than once when I did not heal right away. And then I decided to stop trying so hard to heal and just get on with moving toward healing and also living and what do you know? Healing slowly crept up on me while I was off doggedly pursuing joy.

I recognized there’s only so much I can effect myself and some things that can only evolve with time. I pledged myself to the idea that it’s only important I’m on the path to my future; it’s not so important I control everything about how the path winds and curves. So much of healing comes as we learn to re-engage with the present, look toward the future, and participate in creating our post-trauma selves. So much healing can come as the by-product of refocusing our attention and letting that new focus seep into our subconscious and encourage it to settle down by replacing anxiety with positive experience.

If we become militant or obsessive about healing we only increase our stress and in doing so decrease our ability to heal. There’s only so much we can do or expect to change at once. We can only heal so much at any given time. Part of healing is developing an awareness of ourselves and believing in our potential to achieve what we want in a healthy, methodical, forward-moving but not stress-inducing way.

Today, I’m thinking about how important it is to give ourselves realistic healing goals. To know it’s significant we’re dedicated to the healing journey – that we’re researching it, committing to it, walking the walk while we talk about wanting to be well.

Healing will not come overnight. It took me 3 long years after my diagnosis to completely turn things around. We can’t let our expectations overshadow the progress we’re making.

What’s meandering through my mind this morning is the idea that when we focus too much on the details of what we want to achieve we lose sight of the big picture. It’s in the big picture that our inspiration lies. It’s easy to get bogged down in the details of healing - they're necessary to be sure, but they're not everything.

Sometimes, it’s good to take a break. Sit back. Reassess your current healing strategy, how it’s working for you, what could be better, what’s seems worse, and what could be changed about it, and also what can be changed about your perception of what you’re doing and how you’re progressing.

When we become slaves and prisoners to the bad thoughts, behaviors and attitudes that grow in our minds we impede our ability to live well, healthy, balanced, successful, happy and joyful lives. You’re in control of your healing experience. Commit to the big picture. Visualize the end goal. Reach out your hand and move (slowly) toward healing. Then, let it come to you.

(Photo: I’d still)

Survivors Speak: Having A Survivors Instinct

I love to hear the strong, resilient voice of a survivor who's determined not to let fate get the best of her. Donna Allen has such a voice. The victim of child abuse - and then the survivor of a plane crash - Donna Allen's voice is clear, committed, proactive and full of self-determination and belief. Bravo!

When I was an abused teenager, I felt victimized, helpless, and overwhelmed and I shut down, got angry, and lashed out. When I was a young adult, my life was disrupted when I was paralyzed in an airplane crash. I wanted to be able to cope with disruptive change, tap into the will to survive, and gain strength from the adversity in my life. I wanted to have strong self-confidence, know what to do, and be in control. And something stopped me from regaining stability, gaining strength, and attaining what I desire.

I learned that some people are better survivors when they are born survivors. They have a natural coping ability . They are natural players in the game of life. Other people need to work consciously to develop their abilities. They have to work at learning to handle pressure, negative situations, and disruptive change. I learned that the best survivors are those who find ways to cope with adversity by reaching within themselves for answers. They succeed by gaining strength from their adversity. They are determined to walk through the fear of physically challenging conditions like polio, head injury, or cancer and life-disrupting events like abuse, job loss, and bankruptcy. I tap into the abusive life that I endured when I was a child to draw out the important life lessons that helped me to handle pressure, negative situations and disruptive change. I learned that if you learn something from an experience there can be no such thing as failure. It is the way that you cope with failure that shapes you, not the failure itself.

After escaping my childhood home of abuse at eighteen I never wanted to be in an abusive situation again. I had fear of being caught in a cycle of abuse and pain for the rest of my life and I was willing to do anything to avoid that outcome.

I was unhappy in my personal relationship with my mate, but I made excuses for staying, perhaps because of the baggage that I carried from my past. I was afraid to leave, afraid of what might happen if I had to depend on myself, afraid of what to do next, and afraid of being rejected by a new potential mate.

My own fear kept me from stretching beyond my comfort zone. As a child abuse/airplane crash survivor, I learned that I can allow myself to feel fear, but I don't have to allow fear to get in my way of attaining my dreams. I directed my attention toward my fear, started trusting my instincts and I walked through the fear to attain the personal success that I wanted.

All of the events in my life were being controlled by my inner mind which housed all of my memories, attitudes, emotions, beliefs and habits. These things had been impressed strongly in my inner mind and it formed the conditions and experiences of my entire life. Through the motivational books and audio recordings I studied, I cleared my mind of negative ideas and was able to make lasting, positive changes in my life.

After surviving the aircraft crash, I was told that I would never walk again. Yet coming out of the darkness of hopelessness and moving into the light of determination, I was able to turn my disaster into a gift; from pain and desperateness to happiness and personal success. Instead of reacting like a victim, I converted the disaster into one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I walked through my fear and overcame the resistance in my life.

I realized that my emotional disconnection had prevented me from finding my own personal strength to stand up for myself. It was about me compromising my own inner instincts. I realized that when I listened to my inner self, I was led down the right path. When I didn't listen, and instead, listened to someone else, I was led down the wrong path.

Yet coming from a place of hopelessness, I was able to transform my life of lack, limitations, and difficulties into one of courage and personal achievement. How? By listening to my instincts and walking through my fear.

For more Donna Allen insights, visit www.DonnaAllenLive.com.

Meandering Michele's Mind: Changing Your Mind Impacts the Healing Process

For years I’d heard the refrain, “The universe conspires,” and I never really got what that meant. If it was true, then the universe had a mean streak. My world was so black and depressing and traumatized. I felt so trapped in some horrible place. What kind of universe would deliberately conspire that??

And then I finally heard the second half of that sentence: “What you think about you bring more to you.” So, the universe conspires to bring you more of what you think. Now, that I understand!

At the healing ceremony the other night I was explaining to the host how I largely healed my PTSD by deliberately constructing a post-trauma identity. When all traditional and alternative therapies failed to free me, I decided to free myself. I determined that I could not see myself in the present or move toward the future if I only saw myself in terms of the past. So, I determined to alter my perceptions.

“You changed your mind!” the host exclaimed. And I thought, Can it be that easy?

And the answer was no, it was definitely not that easy. It took a hell of a lot of hard work! I started, made progress, and failed miserably several times. Years of conditioning and developing survival mechanisms don’t disappear overnight. But this guy distilled what I finally did down to its essence: I changed my perspective; I did change my mind in determining how to perceive myself, and that made a huge difference in my ability to heal. It continues to make a huge difference:

We are never finished in our healing evolution – and I mean that in the best possible way. We’ve lived so long in the shadows of the past that coming out into the light is…. Well, entrancing. My appreciation of what my new life is seems unending. I am constantly caught off guard at some new element of my healing. When we heal from trauma and PTSD we do see things differently. It’s as if everything was in black and white and now it’s suddenly in Technicolor. We change our mind and we change our world.

My mind these days is focused on helping others achieve their healing goals. Healing is the focus of everything I think about, act on, desire and do. As the foundation for my personal and professional goals healing guides and directs my every decision.

And true to the adage, the universe is beginning to conspire. The more I think about and work toward my own and others' healing goals the more the universe seems to be bringing to me more healing connections and opportunities.

This is just a reminder today that what you think about is essential to how you heal. When I held on too tightly to healing I suffocated my own energy and ability to actually make the progress I wanted. When I let go and opened my mind to new ideas – when I changed my mind about how I saw myself and worked to institute a new view - things changed for me.

I had to work very hard not to perceive myself as a survivor but as a strong person who was no longer going to let the past get the best of me. The more I pursued joy and a newly defined self the more I found both; the more I tried to whip the past into submission the more I struggled with it to no positive end.

We all need to change our minds so that we change our thoughts so that we change our behaviors so that we change what we bring to ourselves every day.

We all need to change our minds about what we think is important: Who we were and what happened to us yesterday does not have to define who we are today and who we will become tomorrow. We have choices to make; healing comes from standing up and making them. Healing is not an easy task, but we can achieve it one thought at a time.

(Photo: rbsuperb)

PTSD & Anger, Part 4: The Psychology of Anger

In my own experience I've found two dominant sides to the psychology of anger coin: Fear, and motivation.

First, I have to apologize to my mother. I do apologize to my mother, often now that I’m healed, for all of the abuse she absorbed during my PTSD years. She is an amazing, strong and wonderful woman; if it weren’t for her love, patience and understanding we would have stopped speaking 20 years ago because there were many days, weeks, months I couldn’t be around her without snickering, snarling and sneering.

If you’ve scrolled down and viewed the ‘Faces of Joy’ you’ve seen that my mother looks eminently fun, happy and approachable. But that’s not how I saw her when I was PTSD suffering. Instead, she was the villain and I the victim of her ‘Let’s get you some help’ anthem. She saw me struggling and wanted to talk – all the time. She saw me hurting and wanted to reach out – endlessly. She was tireless in her desire to find some way to lead me to peace. And for that I hated her. For that altruistic goal I unleashed upon her all my fury.

Why? Because the pain in which I lived was intense, and I only wanted to be left alone in it. I did not want to share, explore or study it. I was afraid doing any of those things would tip the delicate balance I had constructed and everything would fall to pieces. I was afraid going into those dark places, ideas and moments would suck me in and I’d be lost forever. I was afraid I’d be overwhelmed by the pain and the memories. I was afraid the process of healing would make me weak. I was afraid the trauma would win if I lifted it up and exposed it to light. (I was wrong about each of these things, by the way.) In order to insulate and preserve myself, I lashed out at anyone who tried to get into the trenches and help me. Most often, that was Mom.

When we research the psychology of anger, however, this behavior becomes completely understandable. Our good friend Dr. Harry Mills in his article ‘Psychology of Anger’explains that one of the functions of anger (after its use to respond to perceived pain) is as a substitute emotion. He writes, “By this we mean that sometimes people make themselves angry so that they don't have to feel pain. People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain. This changing of pain into anger may be done consciously or unconsciously.”

Perfect. Because of course, I didn’t sit down one day and decide to be angry at Eileen. But all of her wanting to help and suggestions of things to do threatened the security of how I felt I was coping, and so, rather than become vulnerable, I became enraged. It makes so much sense when Mills explains, “Being angry rather than simply in pain has a number of advantages, primarily among them distraction…Part of the transmutation of pain into anger involves an attention shift – from self-focus to other-focus. Anger thus temporarily protects people from having to recognize and deal with their painful real feelings; you get to worry about getting back at the people you're angry with instead. Making yourself angry can help you to hide the reality that you find a situation frightening or that you feel vulnerable.” Ahhhh, Yes.

The flip side of this negative anger perspective, however, is quite positive. In his article ‘Motivational Effects of Anger’ Mills writes, “On the positive side, anger creates a sense of power and control in a situation where prior to anger these positive, motivating feelings did not exist.” Bingo! That’s exactly how we can use the anger we feel. That is, ultimately, how I used my anger.

Two years ago I was so sick of myself, my memories, my PTSD, my trauma – EVERYTHING. I got angry at all of that, instead of the usual suspects. I got angry my life was passing by in this horrible fog of pain. I got angry the trauma was winning. And so I took all of that angry energy and unleashed it on the trauma and PTSD themselves. I took all of that ferocious focus and channeled it into a vengeful pursuit of joy, and healing. We all know how powerful anger feels; imagine using it to create a new future instead of to lash out at the past or destroy the present.

I’m not the only one who used my anger to good effect. Tomorrow I’ll introduce you to another survivor, Kellie Greene, founder of Speaking Out About Rape (SOAR). Kellie has a strong and dynamic perspective. In our interview earlier this week we discussed anger and its uses, and also, the importance of self-perception. I’ll leave you with this one idea, which includes not only Kellie’s self-empowering thought process, but also a very good reason not to let the negative side of anger – its supposed protecting us from vulnerability – to be our guiding light:

I prefer to be called a victim and not a survivor because it all has to do with when you say it. ‘I am a survivor’ means you’re still there, you haven’t moved on. But to say ‘I was a victim’, past tense, you’ve moved on from it. There’s nothing wrong with being a victim and I think we shouldn’t be so ashamed to say, ‘I was a victim’, because in the cases of violent crimes, criminals are looking for the most vulnerable opportunity and there are people who have been through extensive self-defense training that are victimized as well. Criminals are looking for the opportunity to prey on someone who is vulnerable and you can’t live life without being vulnerable. You miss out on a lot of joy, a lot of happiness, relationships. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, there’s nothing wrong with that.

(Photo: dem vadda sen john)

Healing PTSD: How Self-respect Affects Healing

I get a lot of mail from PTSDers who refer to themselves as ‘broken’, and who claim that for them ‘it’s not possible to heal’. But check out the poll I’ve got going on the sidebar: So far, 73% of voters do believe it’s possible to heal PTSD, 13% aren’t sure but hope it’s possible, and another 6% remain dubious – which is not entirely pessimistic, which is good. (Where do you stand? Add your vote to the poll!)

For the 25 years I suffered before I received my PTSD diagnosis I, too, felt damaged and off kilter in some irreconcilable way. But then I was told what was wrong with me, and knowledge is power. With a name to my condition it became not me, but a thing in and of itself. I am not PTSD; I am experiencing PTSD. These are two totally different things!

With PTSD as a separate entity it is something I choose to allow or disallow in my life. PTSD isn’t an incurable disease (and let me remind you that people cure mental and physical ailments through the power of their mind all the time, so why can’t we choose to heal this ailment with – that’s right: the power of our mind?). PTSD begins as a reactionary instinct to trauma, but it continues because we believe in it, and because then we believe we have no other choice. But the more we allow PTSD to continue, the more it builds upon itself as this Mel Schwarz Power of the Mind video explains.

But we do have a choice. If we use our internal resources in conjunction with our external supports we can emerge from this crazy PTSD labyrinth. We can’t do this, however, if we don’t value ourselves enough to believe we deserve to be well.

There’s one little issue we should probably examine while you work on the idea of focusing your healing intention and that is: Self-respect. Do you think you deserve to be PTSD-free?

These extracts from Wayne Dyer’s THE POWER OF INTENTION will give you some things to mull under the heading, How self-respect affects healing:

1 - “If you don’t believe that you’re worthy of fulfilling your intentions…. Then you’re creating an obstacle that will inhibit the flow of creative energy into your… life.”

2 - “If your thoughts reflect a pessimistic view of the world, then that’s actually how you feel about yourself. If your thoughts reflect an optimistic view of the world, then that’s how your feel about your life. Whatever attitude you have about the world in general is a good indicator of the respect you have for your abilities to intend into this world what you desire.”

3 - “… without high esteem for yourself, you shut down the entire process of intention.”

4 - “… your entire world view is based on how much respect you have for yourself.”


Today, ask yourself the following questions:

Do I believe I’m worthy of being PTSD-free?

Do I believe I deserve to live a joyful, productive, fulfilling life?

Do I believe I ought to have peace of mind?

Do I believe I am valuable enough to not live haunted by the past?

Do I believe my happiness, contentment, success and good fortune is as well earned as everyone else?

If the answers to any of these questions are “No,” then you have some work to do. Why don’t you believe these things? Why is your self-respect at such a low level? How we’re raised can do this. What we experience can do this. Trauma, too, can strip us of all belief in our own deservedness. In fact, in a perverse way trauma can make us believe we deserve the bad instead of the good. If this is happening to you, you need to address it – quickly! Start thinking about how your self-respect interacts with your healing. We'll explore this idea together in a future post.

In the meantime, if you have suggestions for how people can improve their self-respect, leave a comment. How would you encourage others to heal this aspect of their journey?

(photo: Loulair Harton)

Healing PTSD: Courage in the Face of Fear

Last week I wrote about the importance of courage in supporting your Healing Resolution #1: the intention to heal PTSD. Today, I want to look at the frequent precursor to courage: Fear.

The truth is, we’re all afraid. Healing takes a great amount of courage, but here’s the secret: it doesn’t take any more courage than what we already contain. We’re survivors, remember? That means we’ve already had the courage to withstand some life-threatening, life-altering thing. How do you think you did that? Courage, baby, courage!

The key during healing is to tap into that courage and use it again; to provide a pipeline for it to pump as much as you need every day. The pipeline, in this case, is commitment. The strength of our commitment to heal – and to use the power of our intention and the rest of the tools in the BRIDGE THE GAP process – is like a direct transmit from the source of our courage into our every day lives. I know this because I lived it. It happened like this:

For a long time my biggest fear was that my trauma would happen again. That some medical mystery would befall me and the entire medical community would be unable to help me. After that, I feared I wouldn’t survive the mystery the second time around.

These were my fearful thoughts on a conscious and subconscious level week after week after week for 25 years. And so, because like attracts like and you are what you think and you become what you dwell upon my body and mind worked together to simulate what I was thinking and make it a reality. For ten whole years I had mysterious medical ailments, issues and problems that no doctor could diagnose or treat and which threatened my life to the extent that my organs began to malfunction. Not an exact replica of my original trauma, but close enough so that my greatest fears came true: I was sick and unable to be made well by the top doctors in New York City.

And then something interesting happened. I was so rundown, exhausted and defeated by these medical problems and their impact that I developed a new fear: That I would live the rest of my life caught in this hellacious medical limbo. The new fear had an interesting effect: it flipped my old perspective on its head. Whereas I’d been afraid of what would happen that could go wrong, now all I thought about was what I wanted to go right. My thoughts shifted from fear of illness to fear of never having health or being happy, which left me constantly thinking about and imagining the future I wanted instead of the future I feared, which changed my focus of imagination away from what could harm me toward what would make my life better, which made me focus on my desire to be well, which became the focus of all my thoughts. The consequence of these perceptual shifts: After a while of this committed way of thinking, the path to healing revealed itself to me because:

Like does attract like.

We actually are what we think.

We do become what we dwell upon.

If we commit to the honor, repetition and dogma of trauma and PTSD we make a big mistake. Embracing PTSD because we don’t know what to do and/or it’s the only game in town that makes sense in the aftermath of trauma only sets us up for more and more suffering.

It’s OK, normal and even necessary to feel fear – what separates the heroes from the cowards is what we do in the face of that fear. We are all in this together. There are no cowards here, only people moving a little more slowly toward that day they will rise up and become their powerful selves.

Along the way, examine your fears. Today, make a list of the most prevalent fears you find yourself thinking about. Write them out so you can see them. And then, find a way to flip the perspective the way I did above. What positive thing that is completely opposite to that fear can you focus on? Write out these new thoughts and commit to them. Put them, post them, hang them, stick them where you can see them. Focus, people. Focus! It’s easier to think about the bad stuff, yes, but it’s so much more healthy, profitable and healing to commit to thinking about the good.

(photo: stuant 63)

Survivors Speak: Art As A Positive Channel

Tina is a survivor who knows how to cope. Unable to work - and then forced by economic reasons to leave her friends, family and doctors to relocate to a more affordable city - she is not only exploring art as therapy but building a business out of it!

Survivors never cease to amaze me. In the midst of our PTSD issues each of us continues to find the most amazing reserve of resiliency.


1. What, if any, relation did you have to folk art, craft work or cake design before using it as a therapeutic method?

I had no desire to do any art or craft before using it as a therapeutic method. Therapy, I thought, was not for me. I had a very negative view of therapy. I believed my life was always going to be bad and that suffering with PTSD was to be a permanent condition.

2. What first inspired you to explore your trauma/PTSD experience in art form?

I was unable to work and found myself having to relocate to a different city to find affordable accommodation. I did not know anyone in the new city and all my support networks including health care providers were in my original home town.

Anger set in and I deliberately did not leave the house or associate with anyone in the new city. I shut myself off from everyone and was determined not to accept being forced to change my location and being so far from all my family and friends. As a result, my doctor thought it would be a good idea if I could find something to get me out of the house as well as an interest that would redirect my thoughts and anger.

3. In what way do you feel using artistic expression has furthered your healing?

Firstly, in learning folk art I was able to channel my thoughts to something new and exciting. I was able to concentrate on something that didn’t involve too much energy. It was terribly difficult to focus on anything other than peripheral things, so artistic endeavours seemed to be ideal.

Secondly, art allowed me to start to feel positive about myself. Instead of focusing on the things I couldn’t do (for example, work, reading, concentrating, etc.), I was able to do little things like painting coasters, place mats, boxes, tins, small paintings.

An added bonus was that I was able to do cheap presents for people on such a limited income (whether they liked my artistic endeavours is another story!). I started to form relationships in the new city and finally was able to come to terms with the relocation. I was then able to leave my home on a more regular basis, doing something pleasant, instead of all the horrible things that we, suffering PTSD, are used to doing, eg. like going to psych appointments, doctor’s appointments, and social services meetings. It was a relief to do something pleasant and non-taxing and positive.

Soon I was living a semi-normal life. Eventually I entertained the idea of cake decorating and was buoyed by my experiences in the realm of folk art. I have since started to try and earn a living from this enterprise. Cake art, although not an expressive art, is time consuming, artistic in nature and challenging. I enjoy seeing the end result and the happy faces on those celebrating their special day, whether it be a birthday, anniversary or wedding. I would never have thought that I would be calling myself artistic in a past life, but now it seems so normal.

4. What's the single most important benefit you've discovered from expressing your trauma this way?

My artistic endeavours have enabled me to recognise that I am more than the sum of my trauma.

5. What have you learned about healing by filtering it through art?

I treat art as a distraction that enables me to redirect my thoughts to something more positive. Whilst a distraction, art has also enabled me to see a different person, one I didn't know was there. Perhaps a person who can heal and get better, rather than the one that constantly feels healing is a struggle and not worth fighting for.

6. Do you have a single piece of work that you feel best embodies what you were trying to express? What elevates this piece above the others?

No piece embodies what I am trying to express. My art is simply decorative, enabling me to experience positive feelings of accomplishment and pride. I am not expressing myself to anyone else except me and therein lies the freedom.

7. What tip would you give someone who is interested in exploring the idea of addressing his/her own traumatic experience through any of your methods?

Do not underestimate art's healing properties. Art is subjective and not meant to put you into a pigeonhole. It is a medium that allows you - without judgement or condemnation - the freedom to explore a side of you that you may never have entertained. It is kind and forgiving and gentle; just what you need in a world that is shaken to its core by PTSD.

'Survivors Speak' is a weekly feature written by or interviewing a survivor and PTSD experiencer about some positive aspect of healing. If you would like to participate in the series (anonymously if you prefer), please email me thoughts, ideas, and topic suggestions: parasitesof.themind @ yahoo.com.

(Photo: cupcaketastic)

PTSD Healing: What Lies Beyond the Words

Three and a half years ago I sat down to write out my trauma. I’m a writer, after all, writing’s what I do. I turned on the computer, I adjusted my seat, I fiddled with the lamp. I opened the window. I sat back down at my seat. I stared at that annoying flashing cursor. I decided I needed a cup of coffee. I went to the kitchen. I scratched Baylee’s belly and waited for the water to boil. I stirred up a great aromatic blend. I went back to my desk. I sat down. I stared at the blank screen. I decided I needed a cookie to go with the coffee. I went back to the kitchen. On the staircase, I passed a new book I’d bought. I sat down to read a few pages.

Do you see where I’m going here? The will and desire to heal are not a straight line. We will be pulled toward healing just as we’re pulled toward not healing. Healing is frightening. Healing asks us to go into the dark believing we’re going to come out into the light. What we must do is have faith that the healing process will bring us to a better place.

Not that faith is an easy thing. Pulling together our thoughts about our trauma and the healing process can bring up new stuff we weren’t (and, thank you, didn’t want to be!) aware of.

I’ll show you what happened when I started writing. I had just moved to Florida from New York City and bought my first house...

A lush tropical garden of weeping French hibiscus, bougainvilla, jasmine, huge red lobster and white birds of paradise surrounds our patio. It is the perfect place for me to stalk the past. While the humidity curls damp tendrils on my neck, I’m slowly beginning to look at events, recount facts, develop a chronology; mine my memories with deliberate consciousness. In the end, there will be something that resembles a plot with characters, conflict, climax and resolution. I will have followed the proper academic protocol for story writing, but will it get me anywhere? Are Charcot and his cronies correct in thinking that telling the story heals trauma? More recently, is Horowitz et. al. correct in assuming that the “repeated replaying of upsetting memories serves the function of modifying the emotions associated with the trauma, and … creates a tolerance for the content of the memories”?

When I am through with this very thorough reconstruction of events, will 1981 seem inconsequential? Will I be able to see myself after all? Or is this just another way to honor the trauma because as I get going and get the swing of laying out the facts, telling the story seems pretty damn easy compared to examining, exploring and exposing the deeper meat of it all, aka, Those Things We Don’t Discuss About Trauma.

It’s so much easier to breeze over the flow of time than to discuss, for example:

The acute and sudden sense of overwhelming powerlessness.

My surprise at being so powerless; the seismic shock of that surprise.

The internal and external measures I took (and continue to take) to accept that shock.

How acceptance of shock causes an identity to splinter.

The disorientation splintering brings.

The ways in which disorientation forces the sculpture of an unrecognizable self.

How much that new self is not an entirely comfortable place to be.

How frightened I am that no place will ever be comfortable again.

How I no longer trust myself, anyone else, or anything in the universe at all.

How difficult it is for me to talk about any of this.

How much I want to speak but can’t.

How distressed I am at this unexpected absence of words.

The fact that I am lost. I am overwhelmed. I am afraid.

Doesn’t sound like things are going well, does it? But a wonderful thing happens when we begin telling the story: We start looking beyond the facts and see ourselves and what’s really driving us. We start understanding the why of PTSD instead of just living the what. We begin learning what it will take to heal.

The past 3 weeks of focusing on the I WILL TALK healing resolution has brought you to the point that the words are moving out of the dark of your mind and into the light of the world. This is a terrific accomplishment. This act of bridging the gap between you and the rest of the world will lead to a new level of healing.

Next week we’ll start looking at strategies for choosing the 5Ws of telling our story – the who, what, when, where, why, and how of the right person, place, time and method for bridging the gap between the story controlling us and us controlling the story.

Over the weekend, take some time to 1) finish revising your trauma script, 2) practice reading it aloud to yourself.

Freedom is coming, friends. Let your words lead the way!

(photo: lotusfee)